Asking for help is hard. Accepting it is harder
Why asking for help is a sign of strength, especially in recovery.
My wife finally had enough with the weeds and overgrowth around the house. Frankly, it was embarrassing to both of us. Our neighbor across the street then came over. He let us know, he’s now retired and bored. He needs a project and is willing to help us address the weeds with fabric and stone. He can make calls and figure out the materials and we just have to pay for them. My neighbor offered us help, even without us asking.
How often have you needed help, but no one was around to read your mind? Have you ever been ashamed to ask for help? Have you been offered help, but been too bashful to accept or even offended? If you are reading this newsletter, you likely can relate. Those of us in recovery could not get sober without asking for help. But both asking and accepting is very hard.
For the first moment, I did not want to accept my neighbor’s help. Here is the thought process:
Your yard is beautiful
You must hate our yard
How dare you say my yard is a mess!
I work a lot and I don’t have your time
You are right, I’ve failed the neighborhood!
You see, typical alcoholic thinking.
In the end, if we can afford what he wants to do, then I’m going to accept his help. I can’t think through the things that need to be done. He can. He’s really good at this. He knows the exact people to ask and the right materials to buy. I will gladly install everything too. I’m really good at listening to instructions.
I also know that I’m helping him. My neighbor retired from installing HVAC systems. He’s in remarkable shape and can’t sit still. I’m doing him a huge favor too. He feels engaged and I’m giving him the opportunity to feel better about himself. It’s a win-win.
That’s the key here, you help the helper more than the helpee.
So why is it so hard to ask for help and then accept it?
For me, it’s a pride thing. You are calling out my failure. The thing I want to keep from you. Therefore, I won’t ask for help because I don’t want to expose myself, but because I can’t ask for help, I can’t fix my problem. It’s a vicious cycle.
This is where the steps have helped me in long term recovery. At first, they were the framework of just not drinking. Then they helped me through rough patches when drinking used to be my solution. Now, the steps are not really about drinking at all. They are just the guides for how I should live my life.
I have become successful at work because I’ve embraced asking for help as a sign of strength, not of weakness. When I can’t figure something out, I ask a peer. I also ask Co-Pilot which is very helpful and then when I can’t follow Co-pilot’s instructions, I go back to my peer. This is not something I would have figured out on my own. I owe my success outside of AA to AA.
How do you feel about asking for help? Are you comfortable with it or do you still shy away? What if someone offers you help? Do you accept it or do you feel like you can’t? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.