Finding Your Own Higher Power: An Agnostic's Path Through the 12 Steps
Discovering that spirituality in recovery can be deeply personal, authentic, and powerful
The Spiritual Dilemma
For years, I've wrestled with a question that haunted my recovery: What if I don't believe in God the "right way"? As a perfectionist in recovery, I felt my struggles with Steps 3 and 11—both finding and accepting a power greater than me and seeking constant contact with God—meant I was somehow doing sobriety wrong. That my agnosticism was a ticking time bomb for relapse.
AA teaches that you can't get sober alone, that you need God's hand to help you. If I'm agnostic, does that mean I'm doing it on my own and doomed?
A Lifetime of Doubt
My spiritual journey has always been shadowed by doubt. As a child, I believed because I was told to by adults, and I believed literally. I grew to question God as a teen and moved back to faith at times in my 20s and 30s. When I first came to AA, I had a strong belief in God because that's what I was told I needed to do to stay sober. As time went by, my rational mind took over and I doubted.
What scared me most of all was that nothing happens after death. We just cease to exist, and I was terrified.
The Einstein Revelation
Then at our Joe and Charlie study group, Steve shared a reading about Einstein believing in Spinoza's God.
When I heard about Spinoza's concept of God—a God who exists in nature, not in temples; who encourages joy rather than guilt; who doesn't demand worship or judge our imperfections—I felt immediate recognition. Here was a spiritual framework that aligned with what I'd always felt but couldn't articulate: that the divine exists in the world around us, in our connections with others, and in the beauty of everyday life.
Finding My Own Higher Power
When I heard this, I realized it was exactly the kind of God I was looking for, and it made total sense. While I never connected with God through the rituals of Catholic Mass, I've always felt a power greater than me when I was outdoors, at the beach, and with people I loved. I found a power greater than me in the electricity between people.
The closest I've found to feeling the presence of God in a formal setting is at an AA meeting.
Nature as My Cathedral
I realized that where I really feel at peace is when I'm outdoors—when I work at my outdoor table on my deck, gardening, going for a walk, at the gym, and especially at the beach. Hearing about Spinoza's God made me realize that for me, I was looking in the right place all along. Because when I look outside of a church, I'm really looking inside of me, and that is where the God of my understanding resides. He goes with me where I feel most at home.
Working the Steps My Way
I now know I can work Step 3 by accepting that there is a God in nature that I can tap into. And in Step 11, the feeling I have of interconnectedness in nature is something I can further develop to help me maintain conscious contact with my higher power.
I'm not alone. I do have a higher power guiding me in my recovery. It's one personal to me. It may not work for you, and likely, you have something different. That's ok.
What's Your Experience?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on God, higher power, or whatever you want to call it. No judgment here, just what you believe, or don't, and why it works for you.