I Stay In the Middle of the Herd so I Don't Get Picked Off

Why Fellowship Matters Even When We Don't Feel Like Showing Up

There is no perfect recovery. There is only the ability to learn, grow, and course correct when we inevitably stumble. The steps in my 12-step program guide me toward the recovery I want, but I’ve needed a reminder this year thatl it's the fellowship that gives me the courage to actually take those steps.

I almost skipped our annual Joe and Charlie Big Book study this year. No one in the group wanted to do it, including John who hosted. (For newcomers: Joe and Charlie sessions are intensive workshops where we deep dive into the Big Book's wisdom together. You have to commit to doing this for about 16 weeks but it’s a boost to your recovery.)

We bend John's arm back every single year, and each time we do it, John is grateful we did. We are all thankful we did it and we’ll need to be convinced to get out of our comfort zones again next year.

The reason I dragged myself there is beause I felt isolated. I needed to be around people, even though it put me outside of my comfort zone.

When Social Anxiety Meets Recovery

By nature, I'm shy and introverted. I struggle to socialize, especially with new people, because I'm terrified of being rejected. When I am in a social situation, I lose the ability to speak and have a hard time thinking of things to say.

Part of this is ADHD. In a noisy room, I can't filter anything out. I can hear the words coming out of your mouth in front of me as clearly and unfiltered as the discussion going on across the room. I hear everything and nothing at the same time, and it causes me to shut down.

Then there's the whole situation of feeling like I'll be rejected because I'm not good looking enough, don't have enough money, I'm not smart enough. You get the idea.

But in the fellowship of AA, I feel those fears a lot less. Because we have the commonality of having a problem with alcohol, it's enough to start a conversation. I can't say I always feel comfortable talking to new people in AA, because I don't, but I feel more comfortable than anywhere else in the world.

Why I Needed to Show Up Anyway

Over the last year, because I've been busy with kids' sporting events and other family obligations, it's been hard to get to as many meetings as I feel I should. My connections were fraying. I knew going to Joe and Charlie would reconnect me to those I care about, even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

On our last night of the study, something happened that confirmed I'd made the right decision.

We changed it up the last two weeks. The weather was excellent so we got to listen to the tapes and share outside by the fire. For the last night, we had a BBQ with John complaining his amazing ribs were just good enough. To me, they were the best ribs ever. We all got to eat like pigs and let our guard down. I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone but myself.

This experience reminded me why the fellowship is so crucial to my recovery. It gives us an opportunity to discuss what's going on in our lives and how we are (or aren't) working the program of recovery. It's where theory meets reality.

Safety in Numbers

There's a saying I heard early on: "Those in the middle of the pack don't get picked off." If I'm dead center of the fellowship, I stand a better chance of staying sober and getting through life's inevitable challenges without picking up a drink.

When I isolate myself, even for "good reasons" like family commitments, I'm drifting to the edge of the herd. I become vulnerable.

I feel better when I'm serving others. It's why I enjoy business coaching so much and facilitating training at my day job. When I can be a sounding board for others, I feel better because it gives me the opportunity to help someone else, which paradoxically helps me stay centered.

I'm not one of those 12 steppers who likes to lecture people. I'm more of a coach. I prefer not to give direct advice but instead ask questions that help others discover their own answers. This takes time and effort, but it's just how I'm wired. When I see a fellow traveler in recovery finding their own answer, I feel connected to something larger than myself.

The Comfort of Understanding

There's simply a comfort in being around other people who are just trying to find a way to stay sober each day. No offense to the "normies" who don't have a problem with alcohol, but I can't talk to others the way I can talk to people who have struggled with drinking. In recovery spaces, there's an expectation to be in touch with our feelings and share them honestly and that’s something that doesn't exist in much of the "real world."

Being in the middle of the herd helps me stay grounded, and the fellowship pushes me to do the hard work that keeps me sober. The fellowship isn't a replacement for working the steps, but it helps crowdsource the journey. We learn from each other's mistakes and victories. We remind each other of what's at stake.

Your Turn

How much do you rely on fellowship in your recovery? Have there been times when you've dragged yourself to a meeting despite resistance, only to find exactly what you needed? Or times when isolation has put your sobriety at risk?

Like this and reply in the comments. I read every message and find strength in our shared journey.