Kindness is Hard. Do it Anyway

How kindness became one of my most important tools for staying sober

Kindness is more than just being nice. It’s extending empathy to others without thinking of a reward and it’s about forgiving your own past

Kindness is so attractive to us because it’s so foreign to our basic nature. I believe that we are negative by nature. When we believe all will go wrong, eventually, we will be right. It takes optimism to think that things will go well when all available evidence at the moment says otherwise.

I’ve come back to this topic again and again. When Steve and I talked about this on the podcast this week, we did not even hit all the points I wanted to get to! Fortunately, the newsletter allows me the freedom to veer off topic and to discuss things we could never get to on the show.

Kindness as a Recovery Tool

I always felt less than before I found recovery. I knew I had a sense of humor, but I never felt confident showing it. I also had a quick wit, which could bleed into a cutting comment. Because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, I had to play a character. That character was good at protecting myself by saying the mean thing to someone else before they said it to me. I became really good at protecting myself at the expense of my long term relationships. Because I’m sensitive I felt guilty hurting someone. That led to a vicious circle where alcohol was a great tool. How could I stop drinking when I had no way to squash the feelings of self doubt?

Kindness can be reached with step work. Steps 4 and 5 let me self discover where I was less than kind. Steps 8 and 9 teach me how to make it right. Step 10 keeps me in check so I continue to be kind.

Being Kind to Yourself

In my years in therapy, a big area of development and work has been around being kind to myself. I am very self critical and fight with my own thoughts. I wish I could say I’m totally there. Recognizing my own flaws comes easily to me. Recognizing my accomplishments does not. I miss the good things I bring to the planet and it can be easy to just see things I don’t do well or missed. Learning to embrace imperfections without missing your own talents is part of self kindness.

Kindness in Action and the 12 Steps

For me, one of the kindest things you can do is service work. It makes you feel better about yourself and you have the opportunity to make someone else feel good too. I was really uncomfortable and shy when I first got sober and was sure the other people in recovery wanted nothing to do with me. I learned that you can connect with people by volunteering for service positions like giving out raffle tickets and greeting people at the door. Both jobs force you to talk to everyone at the meeting and if you do it for enough weeks, you are forced to get to know everyone. They also get to know you and you find that you’ve made other people feel seen and welcome. Now that I have some sobriety, doing service for others can make or break a newcomer's sobriety. It’s small to reach out your hand and welcome someone new to a meeting, but I remember every person who did so for me when I was new.

Final Thoughts

Kindness might seem small, but in recovery, it’s a powerful act of courage. It’s easy to tear others down—especially when we’re hurting—but choosing to be kind, especially when no one’s watching and nothing’s expected in return, helps us heal too. When I’m kind, I feel more connected, more grounded, and more human. And in today’s world, where kindness can feel rare, those small moments really stand out. How have you practiced kindness lately? What worked? Where did you struggle? Share your wins and lessons in the comments—someone else might need to hear exactly what you’ve been through.