Recovery Through the Lens of Neurodivergence

Finding strength, clarity, and sobriety in a differently wired brain

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Alcohol was never my real problem. It was the solution to all my other problems. Without alcohol, how could I function in life with everything I feared? Social situations felt especially scary. I could never explain it, but I just felt different. It seemed like everyone else had the confidence. When I was in a group, my ability to talk disappeared! Nothing came to me to say. Plus, it was so noisy! I could hear everyone all at once and I just couldn’t concentrate. I thought I was going deaf! Alcohol gave me courage and settled my nerves. It relaxed me just enough to find something to say and often, it stimulated me. Plus, if I got really bored, I had something to do.

Can you relate in any way? Have you felt different and alcohol or drugs made you feel comfortable enough, even if it didn’t make you feel normal? My story in today’s Dispatch is very personal and may resonate with you if you ever felt different.

I’ve talked a lot about my diagnosis about two years ago with ADHD. It was a long road to getting relief and trying different ways to manage it and only this year did I try a stimulant. The results have been life changing.

ADHD is classified as part of a family of issues under the neurodivergence umbrella. It's a blanket term for people who have their brains wired in a different way. I learned recently my brain is wired much more differently than I originally thought. This is a personal story.

The Diagnosis

In the last month, I was diagnosed with level 1 autism. This was previously referred to as Asperger’s Syndrome. For a long time, I felt like I fit an autism diagnosis. I struggled in social situations from even an early age.

What really opened my eyes was the concept of “masking.” When someone with autism is “masking,” they are consciously or unconsciously trying to appear “normal” to blend in. I saw that people who “mask,” do so by observing, analyzing and mirroring the behavior of others. This can be done by watching people in real life, on TV, books, film, etc.

I knew I did this. It was right under the surface but I learned how to better fit in by just acting like the normal people I saw. I could act like normal people right down to the lines I’d hear in a film. I always felt more comfortable by pretending to be someone else. That’s the only way I could get through uncomfortable social situations.

This tendency to “mask” and mimic others helped me navigate social situations, but it also came with other traits that I didn’t fully understand until recently. One of those was my intense focus on specific interests. I also found out why I was a fountain of useless information. As a kid, I actually sat on the floor and read the encyclopedia, like it was a book. If I was interested in a subject, I would go deep down a rabbit hole and learn all I could until I exhausted all knowledge. I knew I was alone in doing things like this.

So how does this relate to alcohol use disorder? For the social anxiety, a drink settled me down and broke down nervousness. I felt I could be normal when drinking. I could bust out of my shell and be the fun and witty person I always wanted to be. How the heck was I going to be able to function without fear if I gave up alcohol?

The Science

People with ADHD are 2 to 3 times more likely to develop addiction. Those with autism alone are actually less likely to develop addiction.

BUT…

If you have Autism with ADHD, anxiety and depression, the risk skyrockets. Substances are coping tools for sensory overload and social struggles.

Along with the social struggle I faced, with ADHD I also had sensory overload. I remember going to a crowded bar and the noise just made it more than I could handle. Why even go out when I’m afraid of people and when I’m there, I can’t think because of how much noise is hitting me in all directions. Well, at least alcohol settled that down.

Recovery as a Neurodivergent Person

With neurodivergence, you have both challenges and superpowers. I realized why meetings can be a challenge for me. I go to a Big Book meeting and I’ve read each chapter repeatedly. It gets boring for me. The pacing can feel too slow, which is why I can’t do hour and a half meetings anymore.

On the other hand, I have a superpower in empathy and curiosity, which makes me great at listening to people and hearing their struggles. I’m really good at not trying to solve people’s problems. I listen and empathize, which is pretty much what most people want.

For example, a friend in recovery recently shared how overwhelmed they felt returning to work after rehab. Instead of jumping in with advice, I asked questions and just let them talk. Later, they told me it was the first time they felt truly heard. That moment reminded me how powerful empathy can be in recovery.

My strength to focus on things that interest me, like the history of AA, helps me be a scholar and I can turn that into a message that’s easy to digest.

I’m Still Who I Was Before Learning I had Autism

In the end, nothing changed about me. I just know more. This reinforces what I learned in recovery. Alcohol was not the problem. It was my solution. I just had to find another solution to all the challenges facing me. My diagnosis is not an excuse. It’s a tool for self understanding and learning that teaches me tools for overcoming the challenges with ADHD and autism. That will help me keep the drink on the bar, and not in my hand.

You don’t have to be neurodivergent to relate. All of us who struggled with the bottle had something that kept us drunk. To stay sober we had to find a better and healthier solution and that takes a lot of work, but comes with a new level of satisfaction.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on your own recovery story. We all have different issues affecting us all. It could be neurodivergence and it could be something else.

I talked about it on this week’s Sober Friend’s podcast. You can listen by clicking here or see the You Tube version here.