The Freedom of Acceptance: Finding Peace in What We Cannot Change

How embracing acceptance transformed my recovery journey from frustration to liberation

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Last week, we took a break from the podcast. I was pretty sick with a cold that went through our house. Here's something I've learned: when I'm not feeling well enough to do the job at the high level I expect from myself, I take time off. I could have given you a podcast last week, but I would have been mailing it in. I just don't want to do that if you won't find value in it. We're back this week with an episode on acceptance that I think you'll really enjoy.

I do these podcasts because I enjoy the medium and it gives me a creative outlet. It also gives me an opportunity to chat with Steve when that might not happen as much otherwise.

There are so many phrases and terms within recovery and 12-step groups. "One Day at a Time," "First Things First"—you get the picture. One of the phrases that really pissed me off early on was "acceptance." I know when I first started, I was not ready to accept what you were delivering to me.

To me, acceptance felt very passive. If I wasn't in control 100% of the time, I believed I was being lazy. Acceptance seemed like just another way of giving up and not working on something. Being in control all of the time was what got me in trouble in the first place.

It took time, but I learned that acceptance was a way for me to take the pressure off myself. No matter how much I tried, I could not change the past and I could not change that I was an alcoholic. I learned how freeing it was to accept that I was what I was. If I decided to drink alcohol again, I would get the same result, if not worse than before. Drinking would take me down a dark road.

I also came to understand that this wasn't a failing of character. It was some mechanism inside my body and mind that caused me to react to alcohol in an abnormal way. Accepting this fact was so freeing! It made me feel better because I was working on a new way of life. I did not have to go back to the way I was.

Acceptance also gave me permission to not drink. I actually had to give myself permission to behave better. I had struggled so hard with uncertainty about whether I was an alcoholic that I didn't feel like I deserved to be sober or felt I was overreacting. I finally accepted that I felt better without alcohol and that I liked going to meetings and being around people who did not drink like me.

Since there was no harm in going and no harm in not drinking, why not just continue?

I have to work on acceptance all the time. I give peeks into my views on news and politics every so often here. I really don't like talking news and politics in this forum, because sobriety is more important to me than commonality in what we believe. Even if we are not in alignment, we have one thing that is—our reaction to alcohol—and that dwarfs any other difference.

When I hear a news story that upsets me, I get very stressed. So if there's a policy implemented that I don't agree with, what can I really do about that? What really is in my power? I can vote, I can call my congressman, I can make a donation, and I can talk to those around me. Even doing all that will make only a limited impact. So if that's the case, why am I getting myself so worked up?

Getting anxious and upset won't change these circumstances anyway, so it's wasted energy. What is freeing is accepting that I can't do everything and that it's okay that I can't. It's a simple mindset, but it's not easy.

Steve and I talked on the podcast about going to Easter dinner and accepting what I could and could not control. I picked my wife, but the people who came along were not part of the selection process. So I could drive myself insane by believing they would behave in a way that is inconsistent with how they've behaved every time previously, or I could accept how they'd behave, flaws and all, and set the right expectations for myself. Even knowing this, it was very difficult. But I'm going to walk the walk that I preach here. I attempted to make progress, not be perfect in my beliefs. I was successful in making progress.

For years, I've compared my career progression with those of friends, co-workers, and people I went to school with. I've seen so many people zip up the corporate ladder past me. It's made me feel like a failure and someone who could not support my family in the way I've wanted to. I have had a lot of pride in this issue, and it's prevented me from feeling successful in the ways I have achieved. It's led to a negative mindset where I only see the flaws and not the things I've accomplished.

Let me tell you where acceptance has helped me. I accept that I'm neurodivergent and have ADHD, if not other conditions. ADHD has made it much harder for me than others to be successful in certain roles and situations because it's difficult to focus. In the past, ADHD combined with alcoholism were conditions that made it even more difficult. Because I failed in past roles, it made me very fearful to take career risks. What if I failed again? Would I lose my house? My family?

But I've also learned that when I'm dialed in to a topic or role, ADHD helps me be much more focused than someone who doesn't have it. I accept that in certain circumstances, I have a superpower.

I now accept that the career ladder I was trying to climb so high, without the success that I wanted, was not the right path for me. I accept that I was lucky not to be pushed along the wrong path and become miserable. I also accept that I don't have a career plan figured out and am still scared. I accept that I will figure it out and that it's okay to ask for help from others.

Acceptance is not being passive and lazy. It's a way to keep sane. It's a way of being present and taking joy in what you have, not what you don't. Acceptance is also a skill that needs to be developed and worked at over a lifetime. Acceptance is a skill that can be key in permanent sobriety.

I'd love to know what you think about acceptance. Please share in the comments. Also, please help support Sober Friends by liking this newsletter and sharing it with others.