The Hidden Gift in Unwanted Change: A Recovery Story
How facing our fears in sobriety leads to unexpected transformation
I used to think my greatest fear was ending up back in that second-floor apartment in West Springfield, MA. What truly terrified me, though, was the possibility that my entire life today—my success, my sobriety, my growth—was somehow a fraud. Change had a way of exposing these deep-seated fears, until I learned to see it differently.
The nature of change creates varying responses in different people. For some, it sparks excitement and opportunity. For others, particularly those of us in recovery, it can trigger deep-seated fears. Yet for those seeking sobriety, change becomes not just an option but a necessity we must embrace.
Most people naturally resist change. As I learned in physics, objects at rest tend to stay at rest, and objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Life's inertia makes it easier to maintain our current path rather than venture into the unknown. In my own journey, my relationship with change reveals both my strengths and where my character defects emerge most prominently.
When change clearly benefits me, I'm often an early adopter. At work, colleagues have actually advised me to slow down my embrace of new systems. When our company implements new processes and technology, I dive in immediately, even while older systems remain available. While others scramble during the final days of transition, I've already adapted and moved forward.
This early adoption mindset served me well when I discovered large language models and artificial intelligence. I immersed myself in learning about these tools, using them to enhance both my professional and creative work. In fact, I use AI to help refine these newsletters, suggesting improvements and helping me deliver content I'm proud to share with you. This technological embrace gave me the confidence to start writing openly about my recovery journey—something I never would have attempted before.
However, when change triggers my fears, I experience it very differently. In October 2023, a major reorganization at work threatened the schedule that supported my balanced lifestyle and family time. My comfortable 7 AM to 3:30 PM shift would become a late afternoon to midnight position with scattered days off. The prospect of this change awakened my deepest anxieties.
Despite being well-compensated with excellent benefits, the toxic work culture and poor leadership had already taken their toll. The impending schedule change, combined with my then-undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression, created such intense distress that my doctor prescribed an antipsychotic medication. Sleep became my only refuge from the constant pain of uncertainty.
Yet this crisis forced me to seek another change—one I might never have considered otherwise. I applied for a position teaching leadership and coaching skills, preparing for the interview as if my future depended on it. The result exceeded my expectations: not only did I secure the role, but it came with better compensation, more suitable hours (Monday through Friday, 8:30 AM to 5 PM), and the ability to work from home. Most importantly, I no longer needed the antipsychotic medication.
Through this experience, I've learned to examine my fears more closely. A book once suggested mapping every fear to its logical conclusion. For me, that meant confronting my core fear: that I would end up back in that modest apartment in West Springfield, exposed as someone who never truly deserved success. These feelings of unworthiness once drove me to drink, using alcohol as my only tool to manage anxiety and depression.
Today, I approach change with a dual strategy. First, I examine my character defects and work the steps around my fear of inadequacy and loss. I question the validity of these fears and identify the recovery work needed to move forward. Second, I maintain vigilance over my mental health, addressing my PTSD, ADHD, and anxiety through therapy while staying committed to my recovery program.
For more insights on navigating change in recovery, listen to my recent conversation with Steve on the Sober Friend's podcast. [Link to podcast]
Your story matters to our community. How do you handle change in your recovery journey? Have you struggled with feeling undeserving of your success? Share your experience in the comments below—your words could be the beacon of hope someone else needs today.