When Sobriety Meets Home Life: Navigating Alcohol in Your Household
Three scenarios every sober person encounters and how to manage them with grace
The topic on this week's Sober Friends Podcast caught my attention immediately. Steve discussed a challenge many face in recovery: navigating sobriety when others in your home still drink. This exploration offers valuable insights for anyone on the sobriety journey.
The Non-Drinker Household: A Fortuitous Foundation
In my home, I've been fortunate. My wife has never been much of a drinker, though I once perceived this as unusual during my drinking days. Her typical pattern involved opening a bottle of wine, taking a few sips, and stopping—explaining that more would lead to headaches and poor sleep.
At the time, I considered this behavior perplexing. In my mind, the "problem drinker" was someone who didn't drink like me—an ironic misperception that highlights how alcohol distorts our thinking.
When I committed to sobriety, she removed all alcohol from our home, including her preferred sparkling wine. She believed it was better not to have alcohol present at all.
I've never requested that she abstain. In fact, I've encouraged her to enjoy a drink when we're out, as it doesn't trigger me and I appreciate being the designated driver. Yet she consistently declines, preferring "cranberry and soda" as her social beverage. I cannot recall when she last consumed alcohol, though she occasionally has wine with colleagues during business travel.
My wife possesses social qualities I once found foreign—she converses easily without needing a drink in hand. Alcohol simply doesn't occupy her thoughts, demonstrating the mindset of someone with a healthy relationship to drinking.
This arrangement has been a blessing. Our three children never witness drinking at home, which I believe will contribute to their developing balanced relationships with alcohol when they're older.
The Moderate Drinker at Home: Finding Balance
Steve's situation—and perhaps yours—involves living with someone who drinks moderately at home. This person might enjoy a glass of wine or beer regularly but stops after one or two. Their drinking pattern may vary, but alcohol remains present in your shared space.
For guidance here, I turn to Bill Wilson's writings in the Big Book. Bill discusses developing a "neutral opinion" of alcohol—viewing it as essentially inert. With solid recovery and a spiritual foundation, having alcohol in your home shouldn't present an insurmountable challenge.
This represents the ideal scenario, though not everyone's reality. Steve sometimes feels uncomfortable when he opens the refrigerator and sees an open wine bottle. Both Steve and I believe strong communication with household members who drink is essential.
Early in recovery, it's reasonable to ask those in your household to refrain from drinking to support your sobriety. However, this may not be sustainable long-term. If your housemates choose to stop drinking for your benefit, that's wonderful. If not, developing tools to maintain sobriety even with alcohol nearby becomes crucial. Ultimately, temptation is never more than an arm's length away for any of us in recovery.
The Active Problem Drinker: Difficult Choices
In my recovery meetings, I've heard many accounts of this challenging scenario. One friend maintained his sobriety for years while living with his wife, who continued drinking problematically until alcohol-related complications led to her passing. His experience demonstrates that sobriety is possible even in the most difficult circumstances.
No obstacle should be too great to prevent maintaining sobriety. Even with an active alcoholic at home, tools exist to help you stay sober. If you've communicated your desire for sobriety, explained how alcohol has made your life unmanageable, and your housemate continues drinking, difficult decisions may lie ahead—whether to leave the situation or remain while preserving your recovery path.
These represent profoundly difficult life choices. Sobriety doesn't guarantee a perfect life; rather, it equips you with tools to overcome challenges, even those that appear insurmountable.
I welcome hearing about your personal circumstances. How do you navigate alcohol in your home? Your insights could prove invaluable to someone who is sober-curious or struggling with their recovery journey.