Why Is Calling People In Recovery So Hard?
The phone is not 500 pounds. It just feels that way
Can you relate to this feeling? You just don’t feel right. I can think about being at the ballpark early in my sobriety and feeling like that there was booze everywhere and I was very uncomfortable. Yet picking up that phone felt like the hardest thing I could ever do. Why does it feel this way?
We are taught in recovery to stay connected to other alcoholics as frequent contact can keep us sober. One of the first things I was told was to get phone numbers and call those in recovery every day.
It’s also a frequent share in meetings that the phone weighs 500 pounds and the buttons are hard to move as stone. If this is the magic recipe, I must be doing something wrong.
None of us are doing anything wrong. This is common and normal and I’m hoping reading this will help you feel more comfortable picking up the phone and having a conversation with another alcoholic.
I am not great at this. There have been times in my recovery where I was great at making phone calls. Today, I don’t do well. I got out of the habit and now I feel like I can’t start again. This is a lie I’m telling myself, so I’m hoping by writing this out, I feel more confident as well.
What goes through my mind is that the person on the other end of the line doesn’t want to talk to me. That person doesn’t like me and I’m bothering them. I’ve already built up how bad this is going to go and why I’m worthless. That’s where the alcoholic mind goes, why you are not worth anything. So what is the logical next action? No action.
As an exercise, it’s worth looking at why picking up the phone can be so hard and what you can do to get over it. It goes without saying, you are worth it and you have something to offer to another person in recovery.
Here’s what I want you to do right now. Get out a piece of paper or open a note on your phone.
Part 1: What’s NOT hard?
Write down the literal, physical actions that aren’t actually difficult:
Picking up your phone
Finding a contact in your phone
Pressing the call button
Saying “hello”
Part 2: What IS hard?
Now write down what’s actually stopping you. Be honest:
Fear they won’t want to talk to me
Fear they’ll judge me for calling
Fear I’m bothering them
Fear I’ll have nothing to say
Fear my voice will crack
Fear of rejection
Fear they’ll think I’m weak or needy
Part 3: What good might happen?
Write down the realistic positive outcomes:
They might be glad I called
They might have been thinking about calling me
They might relate to what I’m going through
I might feel immediate relief after talking
They might share their own struggle and I can help them
I might strengthen a connection with someone
They might feel honored I reached out to them
Now look at those three lists. List 1 (the physical actions) isn’t hard at all, is it? List 3 (the good outcomes) is probably more realistic than List 2 (your fears). But we let List 2 control us every single time.
I know this, because whenever I get a phone call from someone else, I feel better. I’m honored that someone wanted to discuss their issue and thought of me. So if I felt so relieved, it’s likely that another person feels the same way.
Now, I’ll be honest - I have extra social challenges that make this even harder for me. I have level 1 autism.
Here are some things that actually work for me. Sometimes I take out a piece of paper and map out the conversation I want to have. If this sounds overly prepared, remember: I have a fear that when the other person picks up, my voice will crack and I’ll have nothing to say. That’s a new level of embarrassment I’m not willing to risk. Writing it out gives me confidence to start.
Having expectations can also help. It’s not likely, but it is a possibility I’ll be met by a bad reaction by the person on the other end of the line. What happens if that occurs? Is that on me? Of course it’s not. I have to remind myself that I’ve done nothing wrong but what has been asked of me in recovery. Then I can take that person off the list.
I can remember the past great experiences I’ve had speaking to other people. More often than not, the other person has more to say about their own issue and I can do some active listening. Nothing brings my anxiety down faster than listening and helping someone else.
Calling others when I’m not in a good place has helped me maintain good sobriety and make better connections with other people. I needed to call several times a day when I first got sober. Reaching out to others, even when I’m not great at it always makes me feel better.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned: not calling someone today might not cause a relapse today. But it might cause one three weeks from now. But the anxiety, the resentment, the feeling of being alone in this - that stuff builds. It cascades. I talked about this on the podcast this week with Steve - how something that bothers you today can simmer for two or three weeks and then suddenly you’re pulling into the package store and you don’t even know why. The phone call isn’t just about feeling better in the moment. It’s about interrupting that cascade before it becomes dangerous.
When I worked in a physical office, we had these offsite events with an obligatory happy hour. This particular time, the boozy atmosphere was like an alarm bell. I knew I had to get the hell out of there. What I also did was call someone from the program. It’s a good thing I had a lot of numbers because the first 5 went to voicemail. On the 6th, I got to Tim, who had more to say to me than I had to say to him. It was ok. I just needed to hear someone else’s voice and I settled down and could continue on with my night.
How hard is it to make calls to other people when you need it? Does the phone feel like it weights 500 pounds? How do you overcome that? I’d love to hear what you have to say in the comments below. I wrote this for you, but I also wrote it for me. I know the phone works. I know calling helps. I know I need to do it more. So here’s what I’m committing to this week: I’m going to call at least one person from my list, even if it’s just to check in and say hello. No crisis required. Just connection.
What about you? Can you commit to one call this week? Pick someone from your list right now. You don’t have to call them this second, but write their name down. That’s your person for this week.
The phone might weigh 500 pounds, but we can lift it together.