Why We Don't See Ourselves as Different in Active Addiction
I was surrounded by family and friends who drank like me, or worse. Hard to see you have a problem when everyone around you does too
This week’s episode is with Emily Redondo, author of Wife Mother Drunk: An Intergenerational Memoir of Loss and Love. I loved this conversation and we could have gone on another hour. What I could most relate to was her story of growing up, having alcoholism in the family and not seeing that it was different than what other families dealt with, because there was no point of reference. I think you’ll really like this story of growing up with alcoholic parents, developing her own addition and then fighting her way to recovery. Check it out, here.
Addiction, for many of us, is a family disease. Some of us progress to alcoholism despite having families who either don’t drink, or drink normally. For me, that was not the case. I was surrounded by booze. When you are so cornered by alcohol and drugs at every corner, it’s tough to see that it’s an abnormal experience.
How many of you can identify with this thought?
How do I have a problem? Everyone around me drinks more than me! Maybe they have a problem, but until I can drink as much as them, I’m fine.
I constantly pointed fingers at other people. I was very quick to point out other people who had problems. Even in my inebriated state, I noticed those who could not control their booze. Those who lost control and got loud, always made me feel really uncomfortable. I did not get like that (or so I believed) so I could not have a problem.
It was always in the back of my mind to never become an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and he never found recovery. He as physically abusive to my mother and abandoned us. From an early age, I committed to never being like him. When I had a family, I would be different and give my kids the experience I never had the opportunity to have.
At a young age, I promised myself I’d never drink. When that became, “impractical1” I was “careful” to only drink a certain amount. I was constantly thinking about not crossing the alcoholic line. When I drank, I always felt like I was in battle over this boundary. I was counting my drinks, especially outside of the home. I drank easier at home, where no one could watch me, but I was still careful to only drink so many. Sometimes I was successful, other times, not so much.
But here is the other thing, those around me drank too. Many of them drank more than me, so they were where I set my goals. I saw that family drank and they seemed like confident, successful people. Therefore, to be confident and successful, I needed to drink too. My step father would grab glasses of wine all evening from the fridge. I learned to top off my wine by watching him.
I have no memories of my father’s abuse, though I also have vivid memories I can trace back to being 2 or 3 years old. I suspect I experienced trauma, that I don’t remember from my father’s abuse. I have other symptoms of PTSD that seem to trace back to this period.
I do remember the verbal abuse of my step-father. Though he never struck me, he did menace and I was afraid of him. Even when I was in my early 20’s. I feel shamed being cowed by him when I was coming into adulthood, but I just had this feel that I could never fight back, and win against him.
I felt trapped in my home. It was a relief to be away at college and dreadful when I had to come home for vacations. Being in my own home, with my family, felt like I was in a prison were escape was impossible. It wasn’t all about the active drinking. It was about the alcoholic behaviors my parents exhibited. If you come from a family of alcoholics, I hope you understand. I wish I could explain it more coherently than that.
I did have my own family. I started it, boozily, but in 2014, I got sober for good. At first, I said I was getting sober for them. They would benefit, for sure, but I had to do it for me. You don’t get sober for others. You have to do it for you. Then others get the benefit as a side effect.
My son has fleeting memories of me drinking. My two daughters don’t. I’m very proud of that. In that way, I broke the cycle. They are having a far better childhood and family.
For the most part, I don’t socialize with people who are heavy drinkers. I have some family who drink in a way that concerns me, but look at their situation as something I can’t control. What I can control, is how I respond to them.
My kids would be horrified by the way I grew up. They would find it completely abnormal, based on what they see in my wife and me. When they see relatives, adult friends or even their own pals of their age drink to excess, they see it as weird and unnatural.
It’s seeing the effect on the family drinking through their eyes, that has really wised me up on what is normal and what is not. I certainly hope they’ve learned even a fraction of what I’ve learned from them.
What was it like in your family growing up? Can you relate to growing up in disfunction, but not really understanding it until later? Please add it to the comments below.
Or so I thought. The cool kids drank and got girls. I was really insecure and had to be like others. So I had to drink.